She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
