im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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