not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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