I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
