I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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