I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
