the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
