I accidentally burped into my bong.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize