He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
