12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
