You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize