He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
