Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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