Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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