someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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