When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
