She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
