I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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