Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
