drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
