I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
