I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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