shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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