Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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