it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize