You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
