I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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