I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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