dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
