I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
