my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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