I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize