To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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