your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
