just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need a burrito and a hug.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
