All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
