My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
