Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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