and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
