So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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