the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
