how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
