just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize