I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
