i don't like sucking hair
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was born a porn star she said
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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