omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
