he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize