Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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