Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Bring me that man meat
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
