so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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