the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize