Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We got so high we made milksteak
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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