I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
