Kiss
Puke
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
