so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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