My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
A bitchslap is in order.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize