we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
