either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
