I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
