How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
