I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
