Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
