Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
